Where did the time go?

My babies are so big.....I keep watching these damn baby shows and it makes me want more! I always say I want more but not the work...tell me how thats possible, only if I was rich! I still don't think in that case I'd want a stranger raising my baby. As it is, when my babies were born and my MIL or my mom would try to help me with them I would feel guilty for not being the one to change their diaper or make them a bottle. I remember the first night I brought Bubbs home from the hospital I was still living with my mom. I just had the c-section and had to sleep in the living room cause my bed was too high to get on without hurting so bad, so me and my mom camped out in the living room. I remember I was high on pain medicine that didn't even work that great but had me in space...and my mom woke up and got Bubbs and started to feed him, I was so upset that I had my mom doing all the work while I did nothing but stare, I remember telling her to give him to me and that I'd feed him and she was like, no I'll do it, go to sleep its ok, you're in a lot of pain. I felt so guilty that I was young, got knocked up and she was doing what I was supposed to do. It wasn't fair. I was sooooooo emotionally drained, sooooooooo much in physical pain and my Naty wasn't there :( That must have been the sadest time of my life when it should have been the happiest. I was happy to have a baby but sad cause I wasn't complete, I didn't have Naty. I never knew a human could possibly hurt so much. I thought my life was over. I remember my mom trying to give me sleeping pills just so that I could sleep, what person could not sleep just having a newborn and taking vicodin, don't know but it wasn't me......I couldn't function, couldn't go outside, couldn't talk, couldn't take a shower, couldn't breathe at times...(sometimes didn't want to) I had such a beautiful baby staring me straight in my eyes waiting for my attention and love and I just couldn't. I was failing horribly as a mother and as a human being. I'd take care of Bubbs like, bathe, change, feed but it didn't feel real, didn't feel like he was really there. I thought I was dreaming at times and that Naty would walk in any second and say, "Hi Babe, I miss you" and come and kiss his son. NOPE didn't happen, actually at this point, I still don't think he had offically met his son. Offically meaning, cuddling, kissing, counting toes, saying who he looks like........none of the above. And to tell you all the truth I don't remember much of Bubbs as a baby. As sad as that sounds but now could I? How could I recall the good moments when all the bad ones shoot in my head just like thunder? This same exact rememberance comes to mind everytime I say I want another baby. The same exact thing you're reading comes to my mind. Why???????? Do I need therapy? I'm thinking I just need to be more open and honest about it and let it out. Just by typing this it feels good to release some anxieties I have bunched up inside. When we were talking about the second baby, I told Naty I always wanted the picture perfect birth you see on t.v....you know the butterflies in your stomach the day before the delivery, Your husband by your side not only thru the birth but thru everything...something Naty wasn't with our first. Your partner to talk with...about how tiny your baby's hands are or how she looks like a certain family member, you know the mushy stuff. The mushy stuff I was robbed of with Bubbs birth. The mushy stuff I deserved to experience. When we talked it all out and decided to try for our second I was thrilled!! We had such a good delivery, I felt the love and said to myself, "So this is what it should really be like!" It was picture perfect...Naty was the best and I truly believe he did it on purpose to make up for the time that it wasn't. He was awesome but theres no escaping the first time, its something I have to live with for the rest of my life and hopefully the thought and memory will disappear on its own cause 5 years later and I can't recall some specifics so thats really good.

Soooooooo what to do, what to do? Like I said, I was thrilled when Naty said he wanted more but I'm not sure if he was now saying it to be nice, KWIM?? (know what I mean) I want more but not sure if right now is smart. I'll have a big break during Jan 2007-Aug 2007 waiting for medical school to start, so I know I can squeeze a baby in during that time, don't think before or after those dates would be smart at all. So if you hear that I'm pregnant don't be suprised, cause before I even got with Naty or had my first kid I'd always say I wanted 4 kids, don't know why but I would always say that. After Bubbs, I didn't want anymore! But after we got married, I felt closer and more connected to Naty and wanted to show our love by having another baby and had Audrey (so lucky to have her) and now that we're in a different stage in our lives I feel like we need another baby. It's so weird and don't ask me why, I just feel this way. I need remember that I'm in charge of my own life and no one else is! There's lots of people that would be against me for having another but why? why would you think I was nuts to add love to my family? I'm not one to care about what others think of me but this is a sensitive subject. I get real touchy on this one.
Do I have a home for my baby? YES
Can I financially provide for my baby? YES
Do I have a partner that would be a loving dad to my baby? YES
Would I love this baby and take care of it? YES
So whats the problem? There isn't one! Me and Naty are working our asses off to make our future happen. We started from nothing.....nothing at all.....I remember him working and saving all his pennies cause I wanted a house. He gave me my house. I remember him working harder cause I wanted a car. He bought me a new car. I remember working cause Naty wasn't making as much money then as he is now so I can take care of the utilities. I worked and never had our phone, light or gas off. When Naty was making more money I cried to him and told him I always wanted more for myself out of life and didn't want to fit the stereotype hispanic girl that is the housewife and has a shit load of kids. No not me. So what did he do? He made me go to school, yes made me and still makes me now that I think about it? LOL!! He'd rather I better myself then he better himself. So when I'm done with school I'm going to support the family while Naty takes care of himself and his education. Yes he's an electrican and makes good money BUT its not always about the money if you're not happy. I know he loves his job but he wants to have a higher education and graduate from college just like me. He deserves to be able to do that so when I'm done I'm gonna make him go to school!!! He wants to be a counselor of some sort and support these young kids that get into drugs like he did. He wants to give back in a way and knows he's really lucky to be here and be in the position that he's in today and give these young kids a reason to live and to be good people. You know share his success story. As it is when he finishes his apprenticeship (1 more year-5 years total!) all he'll need is about 5 more classes to get his associates degree so I know he'll shoot for that, for sure!

Audrey's right here laying on the floor watching "tootoons" (cartoons) she's too funny and crazy at the same time, this little girl has a mind of her own! speaking of crazy, yesterday I was in my room folding clothes and all I hear is Bubbs yelling about Audrey having caca, well to my great surprise she dug in it with her nails and decided to paint our living room walls with it! NO SHE DIDN'T IT! I wanted to laugh, cry and scream all at the same time! It smelled soooooooo gross....to top it off. I threw her in the tub and she was just smiling and I was fuming. Now its funny but when I was gagging and cleaning it, it wasn't funny at all. I better get to bed now. Naty has school tomarrow morning (CPR) and has a side job to do too. He gave me $50 to make me happy and so I wouldn't bitch I guess. I just miss him and want him to stay home but he needs to help his friend that helped him out of a crisis one time. So I guess no cooking tomarrow!! I'll make him take me out with the money he makes ;)